1254 words
"To understand the nuance of life, one must understand nuance of one's own mind and conquer that mind or else it won't be conquered and thus it's it."
This is a quote I wrote when I was 23 and continue to say to myself every day when I arise to meet the challenges of life. It is as profound as it is today as it was back then when I said it and is now and still is as profound as it is and was and still is as profound as it is and my high intellect and eye for nuance still never cease to amaze even me.
My editor suggested I write a piece to introduce the peons of the world to what it means to have good taste and while I don't expect even 2% of you to understand the complexities I am about to reveal to you it is nonetheless my duty to at least try, for if I were to fall ill tomorrow the knowledge I possess would be lost forever and that would be a great tragedy especially for me because it's me and I'm extremely important.
As one of the most sought after Epicureans in my congressional distict (district 283-8bbbb) it has become increasingly obvious to me how important it is for one to cultivate luxuriously good taste and I appreciate that more than anyone. How do I know this? Because I'm me and you are not. Now, for you this may seem an impossible thing to understand and it likely is but I will attempt to break things down for you in an easily digestible way so you can, at the very least, know the difference between a 1975 Beaudereé painting and a 1974 Roinoiseaux painting (hint: the difference is in the part of it).
To begin, let's define "taste." Taste is having the ability to discern between what is something of great value and something that has no value, what is aesthetically beautiful and what is a travesty, what is worth framing and what should be given to those useless homeless vagrants down on 233rd Street near the Barnyard Industrial Station Train Station. Fucking filth those people. Why don't they just get jobs? It's easy. Go get a job and get money and you can have a quaint normal life in a six bedroom home with curtains from Crater Barrels 2. Lazy fucks. Goddamn.
Now given this definition we can begin honing your taste and that starts with practice. For example, if I were to say we were looking at the living room of a 1920s Spanish pre-war war zone house of Moroccan descent, would you use a 10x14 Grenereaier rug or a 11x11 Breabneurer rug? The answer is obvious if you have great taste such as mine. Which did you pick? Well, you're wrong you stupid fuck because it's neither. You'd obviously go with a Gehrhhrhrhrhr silken cotton rug with red Hruner accents to complement the post-stucco modern deco walls. Fucking idiot. Hopeless. Why am I trying? You'll never even understand the subtle nuance of how using bronze-orange lighting accent hues instead of orange-bronze lighting accent hues can drastically shift the mood of a space from one of pleasant invitation to one of overwhelming suicidal despondency. It's obvious!
Let's move on from interior design. There's no hope for you there. Food. That's a good place to go next. You obese idiots eat everyday so you might understand this. We need to get you off the chicken beak gizzards and ketchup nuggets or whatever it is you disgusting nobodies eat. Let's start with a simple fourteen course meal for every day eating. To begin one such meal, one must foresee what is coming in the meal and plan accordingly. For example, if you are serving a grilled kale au le troisnes in a bernéùæx sauce to start then you certainly cannot serve a sous vide hen breast in a bitter grenoísę compoté for course nine! (hint: try swapping the hen for a different hen) This is a simple mistake and one that I understand fully and you don't.
Now that we've covered food, you MUST be able to adequately pair each course in your meal with a superb wine. There are many factors that go into wine pairing and those factors include all the ones that there are. Many idiots will overgeneralize and say things like, "white wine goes best with fish" or some such nonsense to make themselves feel sophisticated. Speak that around me and I'll know you for the moron that you are. You will have revealed your incompetency and then what? I shall destroy you with my high class and unmatched taste. I might say something like, "well sir, is the fish a yellowtail ruffy or a rockport branzino? And is it grilled with a light lemon and creuterê seasoning or pan fried in a buerre de burrate infused with lavender toirtoís? Because based on that you're looking at either a 1942 Chateaux de René rosé or a 1963 Vino et Marcilleni cabernet savignon, to which I might add are both NOT white wines!" And you will be the idiot and I will not be and that is how it will be! For I am the one who knows such things and you are not!
One last thing to cover in this brief introduction to taste is how one dresses. It is not simply enough to throw on a "nice jacket" and a "button down shirt" and head out for a "night on the town." Oh no. No no no no no. NO! NOOO! NOOO!!!!!! NO!!
NO!!! NO!!! NO!!!!
NONONONONONONONON!!!
NOO!!!!! NNNOoooooooooOOO!!!!!!!
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:::::::::::::::::^^^^^^^^^^^ NO!^^^^^^^^
()()()()()()()()(()()()()()()()()()() NO!!!! ()()()()()!!!!!!!
NONO!!! NO !!!! NOOO!!!! _____________________________ iiiiiiiiiiiiNOiiiiiiiiii
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/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\NO/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ /\/\/\/\/ /\ /\/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \/ \ /\ /\/ \ /\ /\ /\ /\ /\ / \/\ / \/ \ /\ /\ /\/\
NO!!!*****************
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NO
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Fucking idiot.