COOL OK THEN

That is what that is. That is just it

COOL OK THEN | That is what that is. That is just it
The Saga of Granern: Walkthrough for the Mountain Temple
April 19 2020

1815 words

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The Saga of Granrnern likely earned its "Game of the Game for Gamer's Who Love Games and Games Within Games" title from Video Gamer's Magazine because of the brilliant puzzles laid out in the Mountain Temple. Even some of the most veteran gamers have struggled with these elaborate and seemingly endless puzzles. We're here to give you a complete walkthrough in case you get stuck. Let's dive in!

To enter the temple you must first learn the Song of Crows from the gravekeeper, Farnon. Go talk to Farnon at the far end of Nrrrrrrrer Village. Farnon will tell you that he's out of songs and in order to get more songs he needs beans from the farm down in Crenern Town. He'll give you a scroll laying out exactly what you need to buy. Before leaving Nrrrrrrrrer Village, we recommend stopping by the Horse Shop to look at the horses. There you will see the horses for further horse related activities. But not now. Keep moving.

As you head to Crnern Town for the beans, you'll pass a lake. Instead of passing it, don't pass it. Go to it. Go in the lake. Swim in the lake. Go to the far end of the lake where there's a mysterious tree. Ok.

When you get to Crenern Town you'll notice that there's chickens just running amock. Fucking chickens everywhere. Goddamn disaster! Talk to the woman running the chicken grinder. All her chickens got loose and the chicken grinding has come to a halt! Well fuck are you gonna be a good person and get those chickens properly grinded or are you gonna watch this woman lose her goddamn mind because her chickens got out? What are the bigger implications here? That a woman can't take care of chickens herself so you need a man to step in and gather them for her? These are important lessons in chicken grinding. Gotta have a man to grind those chickens. Need to get back to tradition here. Man gathers chickens, woman grinds chickens. Been saying this all my life. Jesus I'm trying to make a bigger point here and I'm not goddamn eloquent enough to make it seem really insightful. You get it. Video games peddle inequality in both subtle and not so subtle ways. It's a problem. Ok.

Ok now after you've thrown all those chickens in the chicken grinder and listened to the insufferably shrill chicken screams and gotten a glass bottle for your efforts, it's time to turn your attention back to the original task. Beans. The goddamn beans. Why are we doing this shit again? Right so that dude can give you the song and that song will open the door to the ao iehtwap9wht 98at98ha2ghawghpah4g aifjw oijiwjefiopajwefoijapwoefja owjef ok then.

Beans! Go to the farm in Crenern Town and talk to Farmer Renrenr. He'll tell you that he can't give you the beans because the beans need to be dried out. Beans are too wet. Can't sell you wet beans. Makes sense I guess. I don't know man. Let's go with it. So you have to help this fuck dry his goddamn beans. How? OOOOHHOHOH WELL OH WELL I'M GLAD YOU ASKED. Gotta run over to the other side of game's world and get the Fire of Fanrn. Ok let's get on with it.

So run to that place. What place? Gerners Town of course! Can't warp there because you don't have warping abilities by this point in the game. Sorry man. How about a horse? You need the Horserer's Whip to tame a horse first and you can't get the whip until you beat the Mountain Temple. Jesus christ. Ok so run to Gerner's Town. It'll take about 30 minutes of your life. Could have read 10 pages of a good book in that time or practiced bongos and finally tackled that rhythmic pattern you've been struggling with. But here we are, playing this game, running along for 30 straight fucking minutes to get the Fire of Fanrnr to dry some beans. Neat.

Ok so when you get to Gernern's Town you'll see that you can't enter it yet! Why? Why the fuck can't you enter this fucking fucki fuaoi ufoia????? Because you need the Key of Verern to unlock the town door. The folk in that town don't trust outsiders and only insiders have the key. You're an outsider. You need the key to pass as an insider. Talk to the doorman and give him $82.482923 rebleees of money. He'll give you a map. The map shows where you need to go to get a key. It's in a cave at the base of Ternenrn Mountain. Go there.

When you get to the cave you get there. Cool. Ok then, so you made it to the cave but if go inside it's too goddamn cold and you'll start losing health fast. Luckily the Old Cave Guarderrer is there and he has a surprise for you! What could it be???? Hmmmmmm I fucking wonder where this shit is going. Well o well o wellly well well well well he has the Hero's Parka!!!! The Parka will keep you warm in cold places, like a cave. What a fucking coincidenncncnee!!!!!!!! However! His wife has been sick the last couple days with Fishwarts Disease and the only way to cure her is to make a potion from the Fisherherwarts Flower at the top of Langenrers Volcano. Why can't he do it? Why can't he go get the goddamn flower himself? Why is he hanging around a cave when his wife is dying? Why can't anyone in this fucking game do shit for themselves? Fuck man. These aren't even puzzles. It's just running around performing meaningless tasks to get the gameplay up to 200 hours so they can market this shit as a fucking vast, infinite world. Why am I playing this shit at all? Guess I wanted something to help me relax. This started out as a harmless way to check out for an hour in the evenings after work because I'd been stressed. But maybe that was an excuse. Maybe I was too afraid to continue challenging myself and get out there and meet people and date and have fun. I mean I was working towards that for a while and getting better at it. I just wanted a little respite because engaging with life can be emotionally challenging. It's ok to have that respite, and even healthy, but now I'm spending like five hours every evening after work in front of this screen. I've become lazy and addicted. I've slipped really far and it happened so gradually, starting with this shit. I began to check out on the weekends too, seeing this game has a harmless excuse, a way to relax. And then I slipped even further when I started binge watching youtube videos and fucking around on my phone. I had a great schedule going before I bought this game. I had consciously cut all that toxic shit out of my life. I was reading a lot more, learning new skills, making plans, going out, traveling, hiking, exercising. Really felt like I was getting somewhere, you know? I noticed my mood improved a lot too. I no longer dwelled in despair and loneliness, and I felt really connected with myself and to others. I felt attractive and my self worth had grown exponentially. Now I'm running all over the goddamn place grinding chickens and collecting beans in a virtual world. It's crazy how this fall from grace happened without me even really noticing. Why does this happen? Why did I let myself slip so far from the pursuit of personal meaning? None of these games or videos or social media posts matter. It's a drain on my mental health. Time to delete this toxic shit again. Fuck. Ok then. Got that settled. Cool ok then.

BACK TO THE GAME AT HAND. The GAME. Where were we? The Hero's Parka! Need this parka to go into the cold cave. Let's get that Fisherhwarts Flower at the top of Langnenrner Volcano to make the potion to save the wife of the Old Cave Gauadreerer who has the Parka to get you into the cold cave. Makes sense. Good writing. Really solid. I like it. I buy it. I'm rolling with this logic now. The sequence of events that has to happen to keep this game going is believable and I'm believing it. Yep. Ok.

So we run to Langnern's Volcano and try to climb it but it's too HOT and you'll die. WHAT A FUCKING SUPRIRISIERIISEEE!!!! Welll o welly well well well what do we need? What do we fucking need to get to the top of this fucking volcannooa f ap92f982hfp89 a2f98a289f a298f289f98a2hf982hf 98a2hf89 a2f89a2f98ha2f p892f a2f2fi a2 ifo2fa

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