1227 words
Dear students of our student body:
The 3th annual speaker list for our fine institution has been announced and we have the list for it. Please take your seats. You are required by law to hear it that way. Those with the standing disorder are exempt but we don’t have to like it. Sit down the rest of you. Sit down please. Please do it.
Studies have shown that young malleable brains benefit from a spectrum of perspectives. That’s why we cultivated an approved selection of topics for you to hear. Let’s get started.
SCHEDULE
October 3rd
Dr Gralmen Drewt, Ph.D 1st order
The Philosophy of the Mind was a radical idea first dismissed by the governing body but gradually grew in popularity due to its popularity. To that end we are offering an opportunity for you to hear about it should you wish to pass the test the Council has prepared. Dr Drewm will speak about its effects on society and why we’re shifting in this direction. He has been giving this lecture since the days of time. You should check this one out.
October 3rd
Amanda Raxey
Amanda was a reporter for 45 years and learned countless lessons about making the dream work. An alumnus from here, she set the buildings ablaze with her ideas about how to exist in a free nation without compromising her integrity. She will not be speaking about this because she does not have the proper paperwork. We don’t approve of her ideas. There will be no event. Do not inquire.
October 33rd
Zat Brammiger, master of the arts
You all know Zat from his work on the hit sitcom Care To Take a Third One After Taking the Third One For Three Times: The Early Years. We’re excited to bring a true star into the fold. Seats for this will blow apart because historically this is what happens. Do not miss this one. Zat will talk about his time in the industry and offer feedback on all portfolios. We suggest arriving early and purchasing a subscription service to the platform that streams his content. A 6% coupon code will automatically apply to your account. Enter your personal banking information in the user form. We had some trouble getting his through legal so don’t tell them we did it anyway. It’s fine. Money makes us go.
October 32
Chancellor Vorman, chair of the department of this
Chancellor Vorman has been ruler of our college for the last three times of it and is our beloved leader! The agreement you signed when enrolling in this school requires your presence. You read that agreement when you signed it. You can’t skip this. Please bring a banner for him to autograph. Tickets for this event cost money and the fee has been added to your account. Disputes will not be honored. Go to this. Attend it. Show up on time and enjoy the free event that you paid for when you paid for it. Free crackers will be provided. We have no water because water here has been de-watered. We’re fine with it.
October 774
Hey man give me that. Give it back. You can’t get away with this.
October 3rd
Debra Highmore de Mortine, screenwriter, actor, director, editor, producer, actor, mic boomer, comedian, screenwriter, traveler
A status symbol of the success story, Ms. Hoghmore de Mameter will discuss her rise to fame in a culture that wants this. She has worked on such hits as all the ones. A fan favorite on the speaker circuit, we’ve noticed that she is the best. The point of life is to appeal to everyone equally so she has an awesome blog where she tells you how she does just that. She’s one of the greats, folks. She did it right. She understands life and wants to pass her wisdom down in the form of funny anecdotes that are guaranteed to give you the graflings. You’re nothing. You are lesser than she. Allow this fact of reality to sink into your minds. Afterwards just go home and sit down on your sitting system and feel bad. You’re a bad person.
October 22
Free event
After the school day concludes we invite the student body to attend a free event. We’ve hooked televisions up to the walls and will be broadcasting content. No purchase necessary. Void where void. Just show up wearing t shirts adverstising your favorite brands and prepare a short blurb about them. Have three to five backup brands to switch into in case we have a competitor situation.
October 2231
Ralja Teherira, system database migration
We’re performing system maintenance.
System maintenance occurs
During system maintenance your data is safe. We have locked down the source of the breach.
System maintenance
Maintain the system
System maintained? Think more about this. What does it mean? Draft a PR email explaining the vagaries of public relations. The key is to respond quickly. Customers need to know.
Learn how to breach databases with Ralja Teherer who will walk you through the ins and outs of getting in and out without getting out before getting into it by having an out for the outermost in-time. All students will benefit from getting the most out of this.
System maintenance has your data. Submit a support ticket to the dat suppoarttat team. We’re on it.
October 3
October
Ocobtoer
It’s October alright. That means we’re getting ready for our annual October cycle. It takes place.
October 3reder
Jan Hooliooloper, speaker of legend
All right you little fucks let’s get one thing straight. You have to go to this. Bring all your favorite parts of the whole.
October 39
Norp Dravertin, space lord
Men today have it pretty bad. There are few positive role models for them to look up to. This in turn leads disaffected men to seek community in places that might not be psychologically healthy and encourages anti-social personality traits disguised as strength. However, we’ve determined this is a meaningless fake problem because the patriarchy benefits men. Men can fuck off.
October 3
Trish Biggerrtonner, fork in the road
The fork in the road lies dormant upon the battlefield! We of the honorable clan of Dukathththt spite thee in they face!! We spit upon thy brothers buried in the ground! We tarnish the very earth and snarl amongst your brethren!! Keep your wits about you, young students for Trish Bigeret has this well in hand! Come for a rousing display of gusto and machismo and then subscribe to his newsletter for updates on the latest news regarding entertainment and new franchise developments.
This concludes the speaker list. We hope you’ll consider coming to all of them because if you don’t you will be expelled. This was explicit on line 325325235 of the admission contract. You signed it. You cannot get out of this. Get going. Go forth to them now. Assembly in 55 minutes! Go there! Be first on the podium to receive podium privileges and stand on the podium. The podium is made to be stood upon so stand on it. Ok yeah let me know about Friday. I should be free! Looking forward to talking about stuff.