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The end of the decade is fast approaching and what do you have planned? Nothing? Can’t fucking get your shit together? NO PROBLEM! We at Cool Ok Then have got you covered. In this emergency article we’ll be listing some last-minute events that we uncovered while scouring the lists of things that you can do for the event in case you need an event to go to for NYE 2019 which is fast approaching and we can get it.
Big Time Party at Hargden’s
Hargden goes all out this year with a bash that is sure to impress for years to come. Last year he did this and this year he’s doing it again. Come for stiff drinks, good music, classy dressed up people, and a night that is sure to impress. Tickets go on sale now and will stop selling in three hours. Get them. Buy them.
Fireworks Down At The River
As usual the Ftramer Faalm Furlmar Company has rented out the river so they can shoot their annual fireworks out over it. Show starts at 7pm and ends at 8pm. Ring in the New Year with a big blast of fire! Come to the afterparty. Starts at 9 and ends at 9:30.
Bass Beats at the Bigger Boggmgger
DJ Groustman flies in from North Havllltinernre for this exclusive sold-out show! If you need a date, get a date and come on down for some fast-paced beats, cool laser energy, and a lot of drinks that you won’t be drinking unless you upgrade to the Premium Package. It includes a drink ticket. Take the ticket to the ticket man. He’ll give you a coin. You have ten minutes to insert the coin into the mystery slot. When you find it and do that, you’ll have five minutes to call customer service at 3573y55555. Provide your name, number, second number, last number, super extra number, all the numbers, gimme a number. The winning numbers will be chosen from a list of winners and catalogued using an algorithm. Technology is emerging that allows salespeople to adjust their script on the fly depending on the customer’s responses. As you answer the salesperson’s questions, your customer profile is adjusted and placed into predefined categories based on reams of data from previous calls so that the salesperson is a hundred steps ahead and has AI-generated answers tailored to the profile you’ve been placed in. You’re fucked.
Dance Till Midnight Or Past Midnight as it’s YOUR NIGHT
By far the city’s most popular event, we recommend getting tickets for this now so as to attend it. New Year’s Eve is all about showing people that you’re celebrating New Year’s Eve. Consider this event as we have cameras taking pictures of everyone at all times. AI automatically identifies you and uploads your pictures to a generated online album that tags you and all your friends. Our breakthrough algorithm uses machine learning to create custom captions based on actual captions you’ve written in the past! We use every single email you’ve ever written (or drafted and then discarded) as the input model to nail your writing style perfectly. Now you don’t have to agonize over coming up with that perfect caption for that fun photo. A simulated conversation will appear in the comments section in realtime using AI generative models from your friends, so nobody has to type a comment manually anymore! Let our algorithm handle that stuff; you focus on having fun! You should come to this event. Admission is free. Just watch a 30-second clip prior to entering and click I Accept underneath the long block of text. You’re in! Have a great night!
Drive Around In a Car and Stare at the Dark Sky
We get it. Not everyone likes to dance and have fun and enjoy life and laugh and get a little tipsy haha and maybe flirt with that pretty girl in the silver sequin dress and let the energy build until you can’t stand it and you just can’t believe that life is so exciting as you get swallowed in the pounding rhythms that infuse your FUCKING BLOOD with something primal, visceral, something beyond words that speaks to the core of your soul and reaches into the ancient past of your species’ ancestry to draw out the ecstatic wildness within. Some people prefer to drive around. We have a package for that. Just come down to the dock and rent our new car, the Gartned Refelixerner, for a solitary drive around the dock. $56 for five minutes with option to extend another five minutes for $56. Music available for additional fee. Drive around and ponder your life. Just drive around man. Drive that car. Sit in the car and press the gas pedal. Propel that car around. The sky gets dark pretty early this time of year so drive in the darkness. Stare and blink and breathe evenly and contemplate it all, just think. Think real hard and think think think. Just keep thinking. Get real deep with the thoughts and hold onto every single thought you have with a mental force. Keep on thinking.
Graerferm’s Big Bash in the Tragman Tower
It’s true. After popular demand this thing is back. It was a riot and you’ll have to do it. Tickets go on sale and then you buy that ticket and then the ticket people scan it and wave you in. You pass the threshold and suddenly you’re in. You’re on the inside. Hey insider, welcome. Let’s see the card. Black on black. Very nice. You’re allowed access to this second chamber. It has fog. You stand in it.
I don’t know man what the fuck do you want here
Ok let’s think of a few more before turning this shit in
Chill Night on the Patio
Sometimes you just want to strike a balance. Life is about balance. That’s why the 54th Brigade is sponsoring a Chill Night on the Patio! Come bring your shit and get ready to rage! The more the better. More. Bring more. All the energy gets focused here and we jump up and down. Lights flashing. Sound screaming. People going fucking insane and acting like animals. At midnight the night really gets going! Email us with any questions.
Watching TV
The best part of New Year’s is sitting in the kitchen watching other people having fun on New Year’s. The news anchors/hosts keep the cheery energy up with their safe jokes and family-friendly rapport. Crhsitmer, you’re really getting in the spirit! Haha hehee right you are, Wrenton, right you are. It comes with the territory. Haha love these guys! The banter is too funny. Look at all those funny clothes.
Bridge Gathering
The Bridgers are back for their 527th Annual Bridge Gathering where they stand on the bridge. It’s a classic and not to be missed. If you need somewhere to go for this New Years Eve, the Bridgers will be bridging from 3 to 2 to 6 to 2 to 6 to 6 to 1 to 7 to 77 to 26888 to 88 to 888 to 8888 to 8888 to 8888888 too 8888 t8880000 toooo t888888888888t 8888888000080000000008888888888 8 0 toooooo 8888888 ttoooo 8888888888889 t999999999o ‘