1318 words
We’re connecting you with an agent. Thank you for your patience. Soon you’ll be talking with a real person!
Grarmber: Thank you for contacting our live chat customer support! My name is Gromber. I am available. How can I help you today?
You: Hi, I can’t get my device to login.
Gramerm: I’m very sorry to hear that! We’re here for you. We want you to have a positive customer experience. For verification purposes please provide your device’s serial number.
You: Where do I find that?
Gamemar: Tap Settings > Devices > Settings > Device Info > My Device > Other Settings > Privacy > Compliance and Regulation > Numbers > Various Numbers > Other Numbers > Numbers To Be Provided To Grmaamber > Provide This One > This Number > This Number Fucking Paste It In The Live Chat > Type This Out > NUMBERS > JUST NUMBERS!!! > FHFEeeejE
You: Ok one second.
Grmaemar: No problem! Take your time. Just type it here when you’re ready.
You: 3.
Gramame: SERIAL NUMBER VERIFIED! Thank you very much for contacting us! Is there anything else we can do for you?
You: Yeah
You: I can’t LOGIN.
Gramem: Okay looks like you bought your Smart Device three months ago. Thanks for being a loyal customer! What seems to be the problem?
You: Dude
You: I can’t
YOU: LOGIN
Grmamer: I’m sorry to hear that! What do you want us to do about it?
You: You can fix it.
Gamremar: Okay! Give me a moment while I run this up the leadership chain. Leadership extends above my head.
You: Ok
Don’t go anywhere! Did you know you can save 5% on all sales when you click a purchase link from within this chat window? Give it a try! Your chat will be saved. Your chatter will still be chatting when you return. Click any link. Any one of them. Just click it. Try it! Try that one. Which one do you want? You can have anything. They all contain deals and codes and coupons and discounts that you can apply at checkout.
Grambler: Still there? Okay I’ve talked to my direct supervisor and she says you can’t.
You: Can’t what?
Gamamer: I’ll put it this way. *puts on professor’s robe.* You bought your Smart Device from us. You didn’t buy it with us. Does that clear up the problem?
You: no. I just want to login. Password reset doesn’t work. It just doesn’t do anything.
Gammear: *takes off robe and puts on bigger robe* Let’s try this again. Our records indicate that during your purchase you elected not to also purchase device insurance.
You: …?
Galgmer: Therefore you are not eligible for the Device Assistance Program, which would solve your problem. Is there anything else I can do for you today?
You: Wait, are you saying you can’t help me? I can’t login!!
Gurma: Records indicate your purchase tier is not high enough to quality for level 1 support. In the future we recommend qualifying for this if you anticipate you’ll need assistance.
Guamarm: Furthermore, I see you have not logged into your account in 5 days. You will be sent a reminder email to login. Please click the email and then login. If you don't do this you will be charged a $6.99 account inactive fee. Thanks!
You: I can’t login! This is why I’m contacting you!
Grammear: Why not?
Gramemr: Just login. It’s easy. I can do it. I use that Device at home and I can login. Thanks.
Gamemar: We’re committed to your satisfaction! Please take the satisfaction survey at the conclusion of this chat to rate your experience. Is there anything else we can help you with today?
You: This is insane.
You: just insane. I bought your product.
You: What is your problem man? I’m not satisfied. Let me talk to your supervisor.
Graaaarkrrer: kla;sdj fais;dfhjilasdjhf adklsfjkdafhka ldsfhakls jdfhjadklfha dsjfkhdalkjf jadkfasdf asdkf lkasdjfjsa dlfjkldsfkljdsfklsdjfewif jeoifu0f8u3 f3 3 3 93393939393993 939 39 39 3io3iru3 fj3 #F##R@#F JDKF#I@#*$@# $@#(%*325V# %# %#@ %#$^#&$%**^*$%($#•ª¶¥••
We’re happy to help! Please wait a moment while we connect you with another agent. We are committed to your commitment. When you commit, we commit. That’s how committed we are. Please see our deals.
Plarmbom: Hi there! I hear you’ve been chatting with Gramblor! Haha great man, Gramblor. Great man. He has the highest rating of all our reps! I rate him personally. We had a 1-on-1 yesterday and he filled me in. Gave me the details of his job. His job is INSANE. Oh wow. I had no idea. It’s absolute insanity. Works harder than any rep here. It’s insane.
You: I can’t login with the Device I purchased from you. Can you help me?
Plarmblam: He deals with 350 cases just like yours PER DAY. PER DAY!!! Impressive I must admit. Which is why I promoted him to Primary Resource. Henceforth he shall be the delegator of cases. He will not handle customer support issues directly and instead will farm them out to those under him.
You: I don’t care.
You: I just want to login to my account. Why can’t I?
You: I’m not seeing any posts on your forum from other customers so I must be doing something wrong?
Plamblarm: Primary Resources are that rare breed who know how to be a Primary Resource. We’ve had our eye on Gramler for some time I have to tell you. The barrier to entry is high. Extremely high. Too high, those who fail would say. Just high enough, say the Primary Resources. That’s the kind of attitude we expect from our Primary Resources. Now then, how can I help you?
You: I can’t login to my DEVICE.
You: MY FUCKING DEVICE.
Palrmblam: Sorry to hear that! Please provide your serial number.
You: 3.
Plarmblam: Serial number authenticated. Thank you!! Is there anything else we can help you with today?
You: I want a refund, this is ridiculous.
Plarmambl: off in a half hour.
Plarmambl: picking up jamberly and we can meet you at the bridge or something idk
Plarmambl: maybe she'll fucking have enough for all of us this time lol
Plarmambl: Sorry.
Plarmambl: Wrong window.
Plarmambl: REFUNDS WILL NOT BE REFUNDED ON ORDER OF OF THE COEOEOEOEOEEOEOEJE OF FJAHEHE