COOL OK THEN

We're hiring! If you've ever wanted to know what working with us is like, now's your chance. We're always developing new strategies that will take us into the future. That's why we need your talents. Join our fast-paced and dynamic team of quirky yet grounded visionaries who see the world just slightly differently. Page through our current openings below and we’ll see you at the interview!

CURRENT OPENINGS

Customer Service Representative: As a member of our delicious staff, you will be "on the front lines" fielding phone calls from customers and offering our services to them as a representative of Cool Ok Then. Tasks include this, that, and a complete understanding of our Guiding Principles.

Administrative Assistant: Answers phone calls and does the tasks that are assigned to them. 1-2 years previous experience necessary in a comparable environment where you also did the job that you were paid for. Barlemermers will NOT be considered. BR/BE highly preferred.

Director of Sales: This is a big one. We need to hire someone for this position.

Financial Executive: If you've ever not had one of these, you know you need one haha. Submit your qualifications in pdf format optimized for Adobe Acrobat 10.x with backwards compatibility unchecked (section 38383838 ok). The Financial Executive oversees all matters related to the company and will work closely with the Director of Sales to foresee future sales operations.

Financial Marketing Person: We need a few of these to get that department off the ground so please enter your information in our online system for a callback interview. Your responsibilities will include running this department and getting it ready for the Federal Bureau inspection next week.

Company Lawyer: For any successful company, you need the law on your side. That's where you come in. Welcome aboard!

Associate Account Manager: All accounts will be managed by you, the hiree. This is why you've been hired to join our team assuming we hire you. Essential duties and responsibilities include setting goals and achieving them, identifying new goals and achieving those, and achieving goals that are defined by you at the outset of quarterly goal meeting meetings.

Global Development Specialist: Identify, develop, innovate, intitiate, review, negotiate, execute, assess, analyze, disseminate, conduct, ensure, maintain and plan new initiatives as pertinent to the company on a case-by-case basis as they arise. Be the "first point of contact" for all new cases and reassign all existing cases to colleagues as determined.

Cleaning Service Staff: As cleaning service staff you will be responsible for day to day tasks that arise and perform those tasks in a timely manner. At times you will be cleaning things off of other things and be expected to do it. You have to. That’s what you have to do. That’s your job. Do it. Clean it up. Get this shit cleaned up we have guests in the building we need this god damn kitchen spic n span before the executives from Graylines show up.

Swear to fuck if this office isn’t cleaned before they arrive you’re out. You’re outta here get the fuck out!!!

CLEAN THIS OFFICE!!! Get this paper out of the way. It's just sitting here. What is that memo doing out? Get it out. Throw it away. Clean this up. Just do this. We don't stand for this around here. Thanks.

GUIDING PRINCIPLES

Our guiding principles guide us. Here they are.

Integrity

We value integrity. We just do. We're legally required to. Usually people don't and that's what helps us stand up above the crowd and shout HEY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING OVER THERE. UM OK HAHA COOL OK THEN. We could probably do with a bit more of this so we're holding ourselves accountable for all the times we engaged in unethical conduct and breached numerous breaches of etiquette outlined in the Etiquette Breach Guide, Your Guide To Breaching Etiquette in the 21st Century.

Saving Money

You have to do this.

Community Outreach

We're not doing that.

Energy Consumption Practices

Federal law requires a maximum of 35.64 Lumens per Lumen when powering a grid of 12 or more facilities located in the offshore accounts that also perform at peak maximumcy of efifififififciicent locations. We can't justify this!!!! Therefore we've been scaling back and slashing jobs left and right. This ties into Saving Money which we already covered. This is why we're great. Apply now!

Be Who You Need Yourself To Be

We all get down sometimes, but what's important is not to stay down, but to get down! That's why we offer free serv

Ethical Handling of Private Company Data

In our field, we are exposed to company secrets. It's imperative we understand the importance of the data we have on our hands and more importantly the consequences of not doing that. While employed here, you are considered an employee. To that end, you are charged with certain responsibilities. Just be a responsible employee. Don't be a fucking piece of fuck.

Ethical Handling of Sensitive Customer Data

No.

BENEFITS

Thank you for considering us in your career search! We're honored you chose us in your search! We feel a lot of honor right now because you were searching and then you chose us. This is causing a lot of honor amongst us. Our employees matter. They make money for us, and then them, AND YOU (our future employee!). According to the mandatory happiness survey we distribute weekly to our employees, the happiness quotient is a consistent and perfect 5. We're proud of this award, awarded to us 3 years running at the Annual Company Awards. Here are some of the benefits you'll receive as part of The Tribe.

Limiting Work Hours

Vacations are important. You need them so when you return to work you can work harder than when you were before your vacation. This is why we allocate one vacation day per year (vacation days do not roll over). Take your vacation! No work emails, no phone calls, no texts... no kidding!!!

Insurance

We do not offer insurance at this time.

Sick Days

No.

Paid Leave

This one is important and that's why we're trying to figure out how to offer it but currently we do not.

Company Sponsored Events

We work hard. We play hard. Nuff Said.

On-site food

is currently not offered to our employees but the 

Suggestion Box

is always open!

Fraud Protection

What is this? Do you even need this? Please submit a 300-word essay detailing the needs of the company and why they should be used in this manner. To what end should our company allocate resources to this end? Budgets are budgets. That means they have an annual fiscal report, due on June 225th. Where is the report? FIND IT. 

Car Washes

Parking is not allowed on the premises but we do offer a car wash service sponsored by Cardinal Weapons. Cardinal Weapons specializes in automated destruction and will destroy all evidence FREE OF CHARGE for a nominal fee. Please do not approach the teller as they have been trained not to be approached. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding as we

transition

into

this 

new

and

exciting

time

when

all 

processssssssssssssssssseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee have been detailed in the forthcoming Guidebook Guide published by Public House Press. Have an idea? Submit your idea! Great ideas grow when they're watered so make sure to give it lots of love once per week in a sunny spot. We want all your ideas. Submit them now. Submit them along with your application and attached I2-V9 form. This form is necessary because it's needed for the form submission process.