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It's that time of year again! Time to buy some shit for people to celebrate the holidays. Buying shit and giving it to people is a great tradition but it's one that often causes stress. What do you get people? Will they like what you get them? How do you find things that they want? What's it all for? Why is the pipe leaking in the basement? Why don't you call the plumber? No no just lay in bed for a while longer. Feels ok. Feels safe. Oh boy there's those demons creeping in again. Hahaha yeah yeah I know I'm a worthless piece of shit. I KNOW THAT! Fuck man can my thoughts let up for a goddamn minute here? I just want to lay down and feel ok with myself and not be bombarded with this insanity. FUCK. Goddamn it never ends.
Ok so what gifts are worth getting people? We've compiled a list of the top gifts to get people this holiday season! It's a sure fire list that's sure to please because people aren't that different or interesting when you get down to it. Really! Take a look around man. You're not that special. Are you wearing socks? Yeah so is everyone else. Fuck man there you go right there! Fucking sock wearing fuck.
So what gifts do we have in mind? Let's get on with this shit.
1. SOCKS
Can't go wrong with these. They do the trick. What color you ask? JESUS FUCK can't you make any decisions on your own? You know your indeciveness is directly linked to your lack of self confidence. Make a decision and live with it. See how you feel after that.
2. WATER POLO THINGS
Poeopeopeple play water polo. Does anyone you know water play polo? I don't know. I don't know who you are or who's reading this. We get the same IP addresses visiting this site over and over. When is this shit going to take off? I don't know. But look water polo is something some people do. BUY THAT.
3. GIFT CARDS TO THINGS
Alllllriiiighhhttt the ol' gift card exchange. You give me money that I can only spend at one place and I'll do the same for you. It's kinda weird. I don't get it. You'd think money would be more preferable because it gives you a lot more freedom but, well, it actually removes a personalized touch. If I get a gift card for you to a place you like or a good restaurant it appears I've put some thought into it. Ok I kinda get it now. I see the appeal. You know if you write your thoughts out you can come to conclusions better than letting them ruminate in your head. That's a neat trick. I should start doing that more often.
4. SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO IMPROVE
Everyone can improve in some way. No one's perfect! Why not tell them that? Think how much people could improve if they knew what to work on! Look I'd appreciate it if you bought new dish soap when we run out. I've been buying it ever since we moved in together and whenever we run out you leave the empty bottle sitting there. No no! It's not a reflection of how I feel about you or who you are as a person. If this relationship is going to work you can't blow things up like this. It's just dish soap! Fuck. I love being here with you and I'm glad we took the plunge to live together. We can't end up like my parents. That's my biggest fear. We gotta work through our shit here. Just please buy the dish soap. Can you do that for me?
5. ILLEGAL DRUGS
Hahahhaha nope don't do that! Gotta obey the law of the land and the law says NO STOP RIGHT THERE HANDS UP. Yep can't do that man. So here's what you do. Go down to the corner of Herh and Herhh St. and wait for this guy Jakery8u8y9. He'll give you what you need. DON'T look him in the eye. Just give him the money, make the exchange, and walk away. Bring it back to your place and hide it. It's ok to be paranoid because everyone is after your shit. Everyone knows. Call Yerleh and tell him you just don't feel comfortable keeping the stash at your place. Can you hide it at his? He says yes so you drive it over and what do you know you get pulled over on the way. Just play it cool. This cop doesn't know shit. There's sweat pouring down your face. The whole exchange is goddamn weird and intense but you somehow get away with a speeding ticket. Ok so you get to Yerleh's place and he's like "what's the matter man?" and you say "FUCK!" and you just scream that a few more times, toss him the shit, and get out of there.
6. A BOOK
Everyone loves books. They're good for propping up your phone so you can watch cool videos on the internet.
7. A JAGGED KNIFE
Jagged knives are all the rage right now. I was hanging out with Berbener and she had a jagged knife. I asked about it and she was like "yeah it's pretty good."
8. FUNNY PERSONALIZED MUG
Who can resist a funny mug! You wake up in the morning and everything is a gray sheet of despair and then you see the funny mug and you're snapped out of it. Mental health is just that simple. Here's a couple funny mug ideas:
"Get the gettin' while the gettin' gets getingnoi agohg98ah2 8g9h"
"Coffee shop closes at 6. Gotta finish this up fast. FUCK."
"I'll finish this at home. No use rushing this."
"Ok let's think of some other funny shit here."
"Coffee! Can't lift a finger without coffee first so give me that coffee or I won't have the coffee!"
"Write poetry. It's not that hard."
"OOOOOOK MAN COOL oi fa9h 98h p98ay298ya23y8"
9. SOCKETS
People have sockets in their homes. They're good for plugging in appliances. Get that socket for a