1292 words
"You are a fucking idiot." That's what my dad said to me when I was 12 years old and it has lived with me ever since, driving my every action and thought as I clamour to redeem myself in his eyes because I never received the wisdom and guidance from elders and meaningful initiations that are crucial to forming a positive masculine identity. Neat. Really great way to kick this shit off. Oooook cool.
Ok where do we start? How about this: you all have despicable lives. You're all failures. You're fucking worthless piece of shit failures at this moment in time. Hahaha nope that's not gonna work. Too real and you're unable to take an honest look at yourself without feeling attacked or unsafe. Ok let's try this from a different angle. Gotta keep these ticket sales up!
Existentence. What does it mean to exist in the world? NO SIR SIT DOWN THIS IS NOT THE QUESTION PORTION OF THE EVENING. I'M TALKING. Ok as I was saying, what does it mean to exist in the world? Look at this auditorium. It was built in the 50s and that's something we can all agree on. But you're there, I'm here. We exist. Existing doesn't mean just being. It means EXISTING. Do you see? Is this too aggressive? No it seems to be tracking well based on the readings on the audience feedback meter here. Slow, safe, steady. That's how we keep this machine churning!
Before we continue, I am required by law to read the following statement: "In compliance with the verdict of legal case R-2892 Granernery v The State of Virginia, I announce that I am not affiliated with any religious group and as such cannot accept donations for the express purpose of bringing you to enlightenment or clarity or other forms of perceived transformative states as they are not recognized by the state and are banned from all public spheres of life." For those of you who are interested in achieving nirvana, please donate to the Nirvana Box in the back. Hahha nope just kidding. Can't go down that road again. Not worth the risk! No officer, there's no substances in the car. I don't consent to any searches. Hahaha sorry just an automatic reflex. Now let's get back to it.
You. Me. Us. We're all existing in this together. NO! NO PICTURES. NO FUCKING PICTURES. SECURITY TAKE HIS FUCKING CAMERA RIGHT FUCKING NOW. Ok sir I recommend that you the grab my book on the way out. These fine gentleman are going to escort you to the purchasing booth now. Before entering, we will need you to go through an Emotional Assessment which is required and not included in your ticket price. We have your payment information on file. Thanks.
Ok now. How do we exist in this world? Before we get into this, let me tell you a little story. I went downtown the other night to grab some books. Decided to stop and get some dinner first. It was ok I guess but the people working there were really nice. I like that. Anyway, there's a used bookstore down there that I like a lot. It's a pretty good size and I was hoping to find the books that I wanted. Well they didn't have them. They had one but it wasn't the tranlsation I was hoping for (the original book was written in Russian). So what am supposed to do here? What the fuck am I supposed to do to support local businesses when they don't carry what I want? I checked another used bookstore a week ago. Same story. So I fucking ordered it on amazon of course, but I opted for a used copy so there's that at least. But it was the same fucking price as a new copy! I dunno man this world is crazy because NO SLEEPING WHILE I'M LECTURING. I'M TELLING A STORY. SECURITY! Please escort this woman to the Workers and Workers Improvement Program for Gaining Meaning That You Can't Assign Yourself Because You're Too Goddamn Addicted to Online Forums and Video Games and Movies. There's that common thread again. Gotta throw it in or else this wouldn't be this!
How many of you liked the bookstore story? Raise your hands. All of you. Yes you in the back too. Raise your hand. RAISE YOUR GODDAMN HAND. Ok folks. Looks like we have a dissenter here. What do we do with dissenters? Alright crowd around him, yes yes, form a big circle. Now let's point out physical flaws this man has that make him unattractive. There's a lot of them. Yes, just start shouting. Louder. LOUDER. LOOOUUDERRR. Yes keep going! Fuck this guy is fucking ugly as fuck. Jesus. This is an easy one. Ok back up back up. Now security, escort this man to the Dissenters Rehabilitation Program in the basement. Everyone else, please donate money to the Nirvana Box in the back. Let's get back to it.
Who is that? WHO THE FUCK IS THAT? WHO THE FUCK IS TALKING AT ME? Can't see a goddamn thing with all these lights blasting in my fucking eyes. Oh Jernerner my old friend! How long it's been. The wee days and the wee mornings pass with the simple passing of a second's passing. How fair it is to see you among the fellows and the bellows and the people of the morrow here in this wonderful gathering! Yes yes, Tarnerly is doing quite fine. She's reading at a 32.83 Ghz reading level and her proficiency in the gergraphone is becoming quite impressive. She toots that thing with the force of a screaming, insufferable child. Toot toot tooooot toooting away I tell you! It is quite marvelous. She has mastered the Witch's Dance composed by Zergryryry Frydnryk Kloskovksyksy in 1922 which was labeled as illegal art against the state after the C minor chord was considered a public nuissance and subsequently banned. But boy I tell you the tooooting can become too much sometimes. Ho boy does she toooot to her heart's content! Sometimes I yell at my wife for no good reason but then I realize that the toooting has been going on for fucking HOURS. How does she do it? How does a small child have the lungs to toot toot tooooty tooooot tooot for so long? Don't you ever think she needs to go outside and play with other kids, Barberna? She needs to learn social skills. She needs unsupervised playtime to properly develop mentally and socially so that she can not only exist in the hierarchy of society but climb that hierarchy in a positive and meaningful way. Can't do that when she's inside toot tootooootooooot tooooooting all the goddamn time. I understand that learning a musical instrument is important but it means fuck all when she can't even make friends. FUCK. What's she gonna do, tooot tooot her way into creating lasting connections with people? We live in a culture of extreme safetyism where mere words are perceived to be physically painful and unsafe because of bad lessons taught by parents and she's just holed up tooting away, not developing essential skills to really face the world. Tooot tooooot toototototooooooot there it is. Can't get it out of my head! The Witch's Dance has been swirling around in my head for fucking DAYS now. Tooooot tooootoototototoooot hahahahahahhaahaa fuck just make it stop!!!! Ok man, let's catch up after I finish this bullshit. Don't forget to donate to the Nirvana Box in the back.
Ok everyone let's take a little break before we start the Q&A portion. There will be no questions allowed in this portion. Bathrooms are unavailable due to plumbing inconsistencies.