COOL OK THEN

Dating has moved primarily online with the recent onslaught of the digital era. About 888922389% of people use dating apps to meet people and form relationships. We here at coolokthen have come up with a foolproof way to up your game and help you put your best foot forward. We want you to succeed. We'll take you through a step by step process from creating a profile to ways to lock in that first date to impressing your date so you get a second and a third and so on. Let's begin.

CREATING A PROFILE

One of the most important things you can do is create an attractive profile. Imagine you're applying for a job. You don't want to put your worst foot forward. You want to put your best foot forward. That's how you get a fucking job. Fuck. That's the key here. So how do you do that? Easy. You do it. Let's see ok so we gotta get some pictures going. Let's fucking dive in here. PICTURES. Ok.

Your picture should convey that you are confident, attractive, fun. These are qualities all people want in a partner. Let's go over some examples here of good and bad pictures.

 

 Ok in this profile picture we can clearly see that this invidual has done a pretty good job. They convey confidence, power, struggle, the inability to love or show affection, and man ok I just want to be able to open up for once you know? Feel free and unafraid of what might come. I don't know what's stopping me. I give this picture a B+. What it needs more of is those.

Now this. This is an A+. This person has clearly done their homework. Their portfolio is diversified into several different funds including but not limited to Yyyyyyy, Yyyyyy, Yyyyyyyyyyy, Yyyyyyyyy, Yyyyyyy, and Yyyyyyy. This will allow for a full return on investment but not limited to clause 888 of the Copyright Infringement Act of 1238. I give this a CCC---$.

 

What's this? WHAT IS THIS?! I said almond milk, not real milk. Send it back please. Can I speak to the manager? Why?

 

 

We're getting somewhere with this one. As you can see this person included what they did. Also, that's what that is. Can you? Can it be that? Let's see. 

 

Haha yeah we can go grab pizza. That's fine. I'm down. Mind if I stop at the ATM on the way? Need to cash a check. No I'm not trying to rub it in your face that I have a job and you don't. I don't know man. Look I can put in a good word for you at work. They're looking for a new admin assistant account manager assitant to the dean of Social Sciences and Communications College. Degrees include: Communications, Psychology, Media, Art, Art, Master of Fine Arts, Master of Arts, This Isn't Art, Art Is Not This, Redo This, I Didn't Feel Anything So It's Not Art, Why Are You Doing This?, Just Give This Up Already, Your Stuff Isn't Good Enough and Honestly I Don't See A Lot of Potential Here, Look Just Saying What I Think, Don't Get Upset, I Could Be Wrong, You're Welcome to Keep Trying.

 

 

This is a picture.

 

Moving on we need to talk about how you describe yourself in your profile. What you need to do in this case is use words to say what you want them to say about you. Pretty basic.

 

STARTING A CONVERSATION

Ok so you've matched with someone you like or you see someone online you're attracted to. Great! Here's a couple bulletproof lines to get the conversation started.

• No
• No
• No
• NO
• NOOO
• Nooooooo
• No
• No
• Hey Lily. Really cool that you're into rock climbing too. I've been doing it for about 8 years now. Where's your favorite place to go?
• Hahaha no way! Me too! Have you been to Rahnenern Mountian out east near T&&hfeufejn.
• Wait in 2016? When exactly?
• Holy shit I was there at the same time! We must have crossed paths. We gotta meet up and fill in the gaps.
• Yeah Sunday looks good for me. What part of town are you in?
• Great. Let's meet half way at Harnn's Bar.
• Oh cool you've been there too. Yeah I love it also. How's 7pm work?
• Great! 7pm Sunday. I'll see you then!
• Hey Lily just wanted to see if 7pm still works for you tonight.
• Still haven't heard from you. I gotta leave in the next 15 minutes if I'm gonna make it on time. Just wanted to double check that you're still up for this.
• Ok well still nothing. Uhhhh I guess just text me if you want to reschedule. Would still love to meet.
• Hey Lily! It's been a week. Just wondering if you'd be interested in grabbing a drink still.
• Ioijoijoijfew
• UUUUUUUU.......fjiiowefji
• JIIJWIOOJIFWEIJJIOEFWIOJEFWIJFIEWO
• WFOIWEIJFIOJWE

 FIRST DATE

First dates are all about making first impressions. Wear something casual but nice. For women it could be a nice dress with a jean jacket and nice flats or heals. For men it could be nice black jeans and a button down shirt with a stylish jacket. Or anything in between that fits your style and gender and expresses who you are. Your sense of fashion needs to convey that you are a put together individual. But fuck man let's be honest. If neither of you aren't into each other you're gonna know in like the first 10 minutes. Really. Fashion isn't gonna fix that. You're ugly. He/she is ugly. You're ugly to each other. You're repulsed by each other because to each of you the other person says the dumbest shit. You're not on the same page. Their paintings suck. Their art has no perspective. They smell weird. Can't fake that one. They need to smell good. I know it's fucking weird but trust me. It's important and there's nothing you can do to turn that car around. It's brutal man but that's just genetics and the luck of the draw. Don't fight it. Just fucking end the date and go home and wonder what the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just be open with someone? Why do I have to put up this guard with everyone? I don't know. I don't know. Jesus fuck it's 1:30 in the morning already? Fuck. I can't take much more of this shit. Why? WHYYY?

SECOND DATE 

It's not.

 

THIRD DATE

 Oooooooooooook now we're getting somewhere with this shit. You like each other. You've been hanging out. Cool ok then. But have you talked about it? Well you fucking need to. You fucking need to bring this shit up. THERE IS NO GOD. They need to know that if they don't already. Drill them with these questions:

 

1. Ok so what do you think about the existence of god?
2. Yeah ok but can you prove it?
3. That's not proof. That's faith. They're different.
4. Ooook ok now that's just a basic strawman argument right there. I'm right. Trust me.
5. No I'm not arrogant. I'm right. There's only objective reality. Science. Reason. It's all we have!!!
6. Yeah you have to click the "login" button and enter your email address.
7. Then click File-->Save--->Save to File----->File Save---->Rotate--->Rotate Left--->Up---->Nope---->Bookmarks------>Help----File--->Help--->Thesaurus--->There's No God Haha Kidding Let's Get Back on Track It Was Just a Joke Ok We Can Work It Out Later---->Transfer Funds---Account---->Savings----Accounts---->Ok--->Ok I'll Fucking Check Out Joseph Campbell But I'm Telling You Religion Is Dumb

FOURTH DATE

Open up a bit. Tell them how you feel. Hahaha lol yeah right that's not gonna happen. Wish I could just tell someone that I love them for once and actually fucking mean it, you know? That's never gonna happen. Barriers. Gotta put up those barriers! Keep it safe. Be safe. Keep it safe. Just gonna lay here in bed for a while today I think. Been working kinda hard lately. I deserve a break from it all. Just gonna lay here. Kinda feeling down anyway. Yeah gonna be alone today.

 

 FIFTH DATE 

Got some new shoes. Maybe that'll change things.