1282 words
Hey Marlenner,
Just wanted to write an old fashioned handwritten letter and say hello. Sending it through the ol' mail service (snail mail! haha!). I think it's really enjoyable to write letters like this. Hopefully this letter makes you think so too! What a fun and positive experience! Hold the letter in your hands, feel the weight of the paper and the slight imperfections on the surface. It's amazing how something so trivial can hold so much personal meaning especially in the digital era when things exist on a screen and are stolen and regurgitated ad nauseum thus supressing the pool of people who are actually creative and generating anything new or meaningful. It's on the internet so it's everyone's! Such a funny joke! It's mine now. Mine! Ho wow you made a meme! Now it's my meme. I love memes though, Marlenner. Can't get enough! Did you see the one with the dog? In any case just wanted to preface this letter with that thought.
Moving on, the reason I write is that I don't like you anymore. Never did. When we were out at the bar with Henry, he was saying that Jane and Laurel were talking to Chris and Tim about the incident between Rick, Barbara, and Gwen when they had that meeting with Val and Wendy. They said that you said that Quentin and Carley had mentioned to Ulyesses and Matt that we met with Ellen, Elmin, Aaron, Ernarn, Arin, Arrrin, and Neb when we were out with Fran and Frrrrraaaan. I fucking told you to keep that shit to yourself, Marlenner. Now Grant and Waxmer won't talk to me! This is all your fault. Fucking own it.
Next on the agenda, can you send me a letter back? I looooove getting handwritten letters and I think this could be a really fun way to deepen our ever growing friendship, and perhaps long distance relationship? Haha just kidding! We're FRIENDS! Always gonna be that way unless one of us decides that hey maaaybe we shouldn't be friends anymore and we should take it to the next step. Not me! I'm not gonna do it because I've been down that road before. Yep, one time I told Darlene that I had feelings for her then you fucking swoop in, Marlenner, and tell her about the time that Fred, James, Tracy, and I went to the fair with Zarborn, Evelyn, and Wwwwwwwwwwwww and we ran into Irene, Malbnor, Zulb, Patricia, Jarnen, Jay, Brandon, Amanda, Orleander, and Jay and talked about that time with Arlen, Morgnnngn, Sandy, and Fran. Yep really fucked up my chances there, Marlenner. FUCK OFF.
In any case, moving on, the real reason I write is that I have feelings for you, Marlenner. I really do. I really like you. A lot. Haha nope! Nevermind! Just remembered about the time with Dramil, Warennn, Cffffffffff, and Jjrjrjjrjrjr. You remember that? You fucking remember how they talked to you and then for whatever fucking reason Sal, Salm, Treeeeeen, Bnbnbnbn, and Piiiiiiiiiiol all stopped talking to me? Yep.
ANYWAY, Marlenner, we have a real connection, don't you think? I mean we've had our rough patches, sure. Everyone does. But that doesn't mean we can't have more rough patches like right now FUCKIGNGIONGWOI WRITE ME A LETTERRERKREKLRKLKERJKEJLRJKERRLEJJ hahahaha woops got a little out of hand there, Marlenner. Look ok let's step back for a minute. Let me start over. I like you Marlenner. A lot :) Ooookay starting over.
Hey Marlenner! So good to see you here. Please sign in over there with the host. He'll make sure you get your badge and booklet. It's gonna be an amazing weekend here at the Global Business Investment Firms and Corporate LLC Incorporated Law Offices of Longterm Investment and Infrastructure Convention. We look forward to your feedback which you can fill out on page 728738 of the pamphlet which can be found on page 8239289 of the booklet in your pamphlet. Haha, sound familiar? That's where we met. I remember things like that, Marlenner, because I like you but don't take that the wrong way! I like almonds too, Marlenner. I really like them. Can't get enough of those almonds. You eat an almond and you know what you're getting. An ALMOND. No surprises there. Just a good ol' fashioned almond. That's it! What else do you need? More almonds? YES. Yep just get those almonds going. An almond is an almond as they say and you can't eat an almond without having another almond ready to go in your back pocket. I never leave home without almonds. You gotta have an almond here once in a while, Marlenner! Why? Well because they're almonds of course!!! I'll take two almonds with a side of almond. And for dessert give me the almonnnndsss!!!! Wake up with an almond in hand. Have that almond ready! Where's that almond? Well it's right there, in my hand!!!!! Haha great! Don't need to search for an almond. Got one right here. ALMONDS! LOVE EM CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THOSE ALLMMMMMONNNNNDNNDNNDNNDNDSNSNNSNSNSS.
Marlenner, let's cut to the chase. You. Me. The two of us. What about it? Talk about a sticky situation, amirite? What a mess we've gotten ourselves into here. The sneaking around, the lies, the stress, and all for what? WHAT? I'm not sure it was all worth it which is why I wanted to talk to you. This could have been us. We could have been those people who sneak around, tell lies, and live the stress of it all but you live so far away and we never even got started. We never even got to that point because you won't call me back. In fact, I don't think we've ever spent any time together outside of our friend circle or even been alone together! Imagine that! Well, I can, because I don't need to. It's reality. So let's try this, Marlenner. Before you say no, hear me out. This is what I'm proposing: let's let things be. Let's leave the dying dog on the street and forget about the trip to the Macroon Islands. It represents hope where we have none. The stark feelings that exist between us now will never be the stark feelings we once felt for one another and still do. It's a catch-23 as they in the Old Book of Norrr when the fires of Mount Klamaris burst forth and spread an evil across the land of Gorgamor thus putting the Elvnor race in great jeopardy. But a boy was born, his destiny decided by destiny. A boy who's destiny it is to save Gorgamor as it is told by his destiny, to defeat the nefarious King Evlllllil and restore prosperity to his people through his destiny, for it was foreseen many ages ago by the Grreaaat Warrior God Farnor in the Realms of Sevgor on the Eve of Great Reckoning and Rebirth from across the land and henceforth known as The Gauntlet of Gorgamor: A Destiny of Suffering. Just a snippet of the first book of a fantansy series I'm working on, Marlenner. Wanted to give you a taste to impress you. That's how it works! I'm doing this for you, Marlenner, and you're not seeing it! All of it is for you. Who wouldn't want a guy that's smart, creative, talented, and has a vision like myself! You HAVE to have feelings for me now, Marlenner. THAT'S HOW IT WORKS!!!! Look, fuck off, ok? Fuck off. I'm done with this shit.
Hope you're doing well, Marlenner. Let's catch up soon. Write back. Would love to hear from you and finally make this work between us!
Your soulmate,
Jambnor