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After seven long years the wait is finally over. Ladies and gentlemen of this faultless culture we have in our hands the long awaited new game: The Legend of Kings: King of the Kingdom. Initial reports are positive and all scores are 10/10.
Did you buy it yet? I ordered it on preorder day of course. All the big sites agree: there is literally nothing wrong with this game. Every reviewer was not paid to say this is a defining moment in the history of the medium. Every gamer who hasn’t played it is still cynically calling it $70 DLC and saying there isn’t anything new to explore because it’s the same map. That’s okay. Young people go through a contrarian phase and go against the grain because they’re testing their ego against the culture. They don’t know exactly why they do this but this is a part of youth. It builds character. It feels cool to do this. Engrave your opinions online so it becomes harder to change your perspective later because the psyche cannot handle contradictions. Double down and entrench your siloed viewpoint until it is a compressed mass of granite. There is no god.
Anyway fuck off. Let’s talk about the game. So it starts with the main character at maximum power and you’re exploring these catacombs. The voice acting is really good. They hired the best voice actors to give voice to the most iconic voices of our generation and I really like it. The director also deserves credit here for telling the voice actors to be as good as they can be. I think it paid off. I like all the scenes where characters talk.
After the catacombs you have an encounter with a character who definitely isn’t the main bad guy who appears in every other game. You lose all your power and return to the beginner state of 3 hearts. This is how every other game starts so I’m comfortable with things staying the same like this.
Then you wake up and find yourself a hundred miles in the sky for some reason. No time to question it because it’s time to learn how to play this overwhelming fucking thing. This involves wandering around a sky island like an idiot and swinging sticks or whatever. Cook meals and help the Krokors find their friends. I love this and it’s not tedious. Try combining two apples and three mushrooms for a fun meal. You can’t climb ice.
There are three shrines on the sky island and each one gives you a new ability that you can waste your time figuring out instead of playing the game. For example you can glue a wooden board to another board. Now the board is bigger. The entire time you’ll be flipping the god damn things every which way except how you want. Sometimes the controls feel reversed but that’s fine. This game is epic.
You’ll start collecting new items that weren’t in Brath of the Wilderness of Wild Times. For example you’ll discover cool things like
- the Zorna charge
- the Large Zorna Charger
- Zornite
- Large Zornate
- unrefined Zorna ore
- refine Zorana ore
- big bloom seed
You can find a dark cave in the first sky island where you’re presented with a bunch of information that makes perfect sense about how all these items interact with each other and why you need to use them. For example if you combine the Zoldert Charge with unrefined Zoran ore, you’ll get an extra battery that you can dump into a giant sphere that dispenses useful items that are all important. Just pick them all up and forget about them. They’ll be needed later probably. Use them to power the janky wagon you spent 15 minutes trying to build. Attach it to your horse and you can drag around lost Krorkoks. It’s really cool. Cook more meals.
I need to reach my friend!!
I neeed to treach my frienad
I need to reac my friend!!!
I neeeeed
to reaaaaaacchh mmyy \
Have to reachhhhhh
My friend is over there
***************sending up
smoke (((((((((((((((((((((
MYf riend and ia got separatethd!!!!! I NEED OT REACH MY FRIENAD
Ok after you land on the surface it’s time to head to the central village setup area. Don't worry it's safe. The music tells you it's not dangerous. It's a nice diatonic melody with some syncopation to suggest a playful pleasant atmosphere. It's absolutely fucking genius and my mind is just blown by how this song even exists. They need to study this in music college. They don't because they're wrong and I'm not.
Make sure you find all the diaries lying around and read each page. It’s fun to read pages of random notes. Don’t skip anything because it’s important to spend your evening just clicking through screens of text. <<Examine>>
Zolnai Survey Team. Zolnai Survey Team. Zolnai Survey Team. Zolnai Survey Team. Zolnai Survey Team. Zolnai Survey Team. Zolnai Survey Team. Zolnai Survey Team. Zolnai Survey Team. Zolnai Survey Team.
The game continues like this until
Zolnai Survey Team.
Nope still haven’t played this week. No sir haven’t even picked up the system. Just don’t feel like it honestly. Why is that? Do I hate the game? Au contraire mon ami, I fucking love this god damn game. So what’s going on here? Maybe I’m afraid to make any more progress because with each passing day I come closer to finishing it and the experience will be over. Maybe it’s something else. I wonder if it’s a reluctant acknowledgement of how addicting this game is and I’m afraid I’ll get too consumed in it and neglect the rest of my life. Or I dunno man perhaps I feel a sense of guilt and shame that I like it so much and deep down I feel I don’t deserve to have this much fun hahaha ok whatever. Therapy works. Ok cool then ok then let’s watch some videos of people building insane shit. That’s what this series is all about.