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Cool Ok Then values innovation1. We strive to push ourselves to the edge, to find that edge, leap off the edge and have faith that we will land on another edge. This philosophy powers everything we do, from product innovation to new marketing innovation techniques that drive competition and inspire creative change. In short, we love products.
This year, we're proposing something radical. Something different. Something that changes the way we think about thinking what we think about when we think about it. To be successful, we need to move forward. And that means changing. Black Friday is almost upon us. This national holiday has become an American pasttime. But why BLACK? Nobody knows why. It makes no sense!! This is a gloomy, depressing word. Nobody likes this word and nobody likes this color, especially everybody. Nothing about America is BLACK. That's why we're calling it Red, White, and Blue Friday2. We feel this accurately reflects the history of the revered tradition of buying products. This paragraph is over.
Research suggests people like to feel things and will make purchasing decisions based on their feelings. Haha not YOU of course. You can see through that scheme. But the general public is guided by irrational emotions, particularly outrage. We've employed time-tested techniques that measure the action a user takes after a politically- or emotionally-charged psychological stimulus is applied to their psyche. If an ad is the next thing they see, they are 5% more likely to remember that ad due to their heightened emotional state. We're not talking about you! We're talking about other users. It doesn't matter if they don't buy it. What matters is that we've influenced their online experience. Statistically, we have therefore increased the chances any given user at any given time will take the action we want them to take. The larger the sample group of targeted users, the likelihood this occurs approaches a certainty. You, the individual, cannot perceive this. But you are part of the statistic. This is called mass behavior modification and we want you to know that we are doing it, and that you don't even care.
Red, White, and Blue Friday therefore works on several levels. It advertises to us, the American citizen. It tells us: you're American, now get out there and be American! Stores will be OPEN on Thanksgiving! We'll be closing from noon to 2pm so that employees can spend the holiday with their families.
Red, White, and Blue Friday has also been shown to intensify direct manipulation, which for sanitized marketing purpose we shall refer to as user engagement. When a user is engaged, we have them. We fucking have them! They're ours! We have them! Have an account? WE HAVE THEM. Ever logged in? Oh we have you. You have been analyzed and categorized and placed into bins of users who display browsing habits similar to yours. You are a number. You use Facebook just for staying in touch with friends and family. You're not influenced by advertising.
Red, White, and Blue Friday has many deals this year that we know you're going to love. Not gonna lie, some of these actually look like they're worth it this time!
- Deals + 10% off with 60% off coupon
- New flatscreen TV replaces your old flatscreen TV
- Patriotism
- Credit cards now at 1.5% APR for a limited time. No interest for the first six months!
- Our algorithms have determined you two should meet. Send the first message and kick things off!
- RED WHITE AND BLUE
- AMERICAN FLAG
- LILLBERAL VS CONSTERATIVE!!!!!!! Showdown Deathmatch tonight at 9/8c sponsored by Crakeker Cocala company
- GUNS. How does that make you feel?
- FREEDOM OF SPEECH is under attack!!! Post your thoughts in the comment box below:
Thank you for your comment box3! We are just going off the fucking rails at this point. So what you need to do is enter your credit card information here, there, and here, there, everywhere. Let's get those numbers, folks! Get em! Get em in the box! Box needs numbers!!! Want a realistic desktop fountain with LED lights? Yes you do. We can tell you're stressed based on the emotional content of your social media posts. Desktop fountains and Himalyan salt lamps have shown to reduce stress for overworked workers! Enter a relaxing world of zen peace zen focus meditation calming breath deep breath energy work stimulating the creative mind. You're an individual. Stand out. So this Red, White, and Blue Friday buy our easy products that everyone else who fits this consumer profile has bought. Stressed, slightly agitated, hostile towards opposing viewpoints? We show them an image of this calming water vaporizer that emits essential oils (essential oils sold separately). The LEDs change colors for a relaxing, soothing effect. We suggest Mirky Dawn5555555 for a foresty, nature scent that reminds you of the beauty of nature while you're hammering away on your stupid fucking code project. Want something a little more invigorating? Try the Essence of Energy oil, a glowing amber concoction that sends your mind to the peaceful fields of Ancient China, where wise old sages sat on the mountaintops and unlocked the secrets of the universe. All that can be yours for an extra $9.99 when you sign up for our auto-subscribe model. We detect when you're running low and automatically bill your account and send you another pack! No effort on your part. Set it and forget it!!!!!!!!!!!!! FORGET IT! Just don't think about it. Your time is valuable. You need to get more code written so we deliver the browser widget on time. Gonna need you to stay late tonight. I'll order pizza. What kind of pizza? Lot sofpizz oa fan #####
FOOTNOTES
1. Statistically speaking approximiately 3005% of users will become future users. We know this based on the following formula. Users + more users = userbase. See Patrick O'Flary'o'mel'o'learimon'o'flannigan's brilliant thesis for another theory that we can't support. It's just bad. We care about ethics. That's why this theory is OFF THE BOOKS.
2. What's a footnote? A footnote is something that appears at the base of the foot, near the note. We'll be doing a broader exposé in the near future after we've cleared this with legal.
3. Close game last night. I was talking to her about it and just clammed up. Brain went offline. All I could think about was memes. What kind of meme would get me back in the conversation? Have to find the perfect meme. Something that has text on the top and text on the bottom, overlaying an image from a movie that shows a well-known sassy character making a funny facial expression. That is exactly how I felt. I sent her a meme and she replied "lol, pretty much." ❤️
4. Red, White, and Blue Friday is an officially endorsed slogan. We will license this slogan for a fee. These fee terms are non-refundable and non-negotiable. End user license agreement is here clocking in at 2KB. We're proud to offer inflight entertainment for free, sponsored by our sponsoring partner. Plug in!
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